As the idea of the post has been bouncing around the past few posts, I've been trying to decide how I wanted to present this very touchy subject. I thought about writing a letter, or even telling the story through a friends point of view. I am just going to try and pour my whole heart out and be completely transparent. As school is just around the corner, this has already been worrying me. Most people don't know this but I have anxiety and depression. I have struggled with these mental illnesses for a very long time. It hasn't been until recently that I have been officially diagnosed. School is one of my biggest triggers and it's something I have had to start learning to deal with lately.
This last spring semester was the worse this monster has ever been. I got to the point of just sleeping and not doing my school work and ended up affecting my so valued GPA. My depression affects me doing my school work and then my anxiety makes me worry about it which turns into a constant cycle. I do have other things that affect my mental health but nothing has severe as school. This last semester I was in a really bad place and hardcore contemplated suicide. I had it all planned. The only way I can explain this feeling is one side of your brain is telling you that this is the only solution. This side is super irrational and emotional. The other half of your brain is being rational and letting you know that this too shall pass. It is honestly the weirdest/most mind-blowing thing that I have ever experienced. There's a couple of reasons why I did not go through with it. The first reason was that I did not want my brother to be the one to find me. I never wanted my mental illness to affect his mental health. I couldn't bare the thought of doing this to him and the thought left many teary nights. Another reason, was that the night I had planned to go through with this I received multiple texts saying that for some reason God had put me on their mind. They said that they felt like they couldn't go to sleep without me knowing they loved me and were thinking about me. At this moment, the rational part of my brain knew that this was not what God had planned for me. I eventually told my counselor and we've since then been working on this.
I'm writing this to not get sympathy or pity but to inform others how sensitive of a subject this is. I've heard many people saying that they just need to get over it or don't worry about it. Mental illness is completely crippling. I used to not be able to physically breathe if I stayed at home by myself. The first time I can ever remembering this happening is when I was in sixth grade. We were learning about the holocaust and it gave me so much anxiety I could sleep or eat. At this time, I didn't know that this was mental illness and neither did my parents. It would be years before either of us ever discovered what these things were.
I want everyone to be able to understand the signs of anxiety. I never want my friends or anyone around me to suffer and not know what's happening. If me and my parents would have had knowledge about this subject I would not have went through this as long as I did. I would also be far longer on the road of healing. Some of the major signs are sleeping a lot, grades falling, not eating/eating a lot, disinterested in hobbies, emotional, anger, etc.
For people struggling; you are not your mental illness. It will get better. My biggest tip is go to someone and talk to them. I have a counselor and she has helped me out with a lot. It's hard to talk to people close to you about this kind of stuff but you need to tell someone the things you're feeling. The worst thing you can do is try to heal yourself and go through this very rough road alone.